How God Healed my Body Dysmorphia and Eating Disorders

When I struggled with body dysmorphia and eating disorders, I wouldn’t have read a post like this….   

That’s why it took me so long to write this blog post.     

I’ve been wanting to write this part of my story for almost 4 years, but didn’t until now because I know that the people imprisoned by body dysmorphia, anorexia, bulimia and similar disorders, won’t be looking for how to be free.     

If you do struggle with these disorders, you know exactly what I’m talking about and have already clicked away if you even got this far.             

So, why am I posting this?            

I realized that there was a moment years ago that God met me where I was at and turned my heart from firmly against loving the body He gave me to being open to seeing myself differently.           

If you’re at this moment…        

THIS POST IS FOR YOU!          

This doesn’t mean you’re expected to shift your thinking, this is simply my story!         

This is: 

How God Healed my Body Dysmorphia and Eating Disorders 

For some preface, let me tell you about where my mind was at prior to God addressing my disorder.           

I can remember as early as 8 years old, I had a heightened awareness of body image.         

On the television, I started noticing body characteristics and already began associating beauty with certain actresses on child sitcoms.           

I began comparing my body to theirs in elementary school.       

Feeling my arms and legs to see if certain bones were close to the surface of my skin, in ways that I viewed on beautiful women on the screen.           

Too young to understand that those women on television were twice my age and my body won’t look as theirs right now anyways.           

That only began my quest to have a body that was completely out of my reach.                

I remember, being in middle school, imagining what it would be like if I could wake up and literally look exactly like an actress I thought was most beautiful and skinny, at the time.           

Thinking that I would feel more at home in a completely different person’s body, than the one I’ve had all my life.        

My mental battle with body comparison intensified when vicious bullying stole, what I thought was going to be a grand entrance into high school.            

From the moment freshman year began, I learned something new about myself…. 

I was so weird!             

My schoolmates were focused on a variety of self-destructive things dressed as self-empowerment, so my outgoing attitude paired with my naive good-girl resolve, caused a huge disturbance in the culture of that school.       

I didn’t do the bad things the girls all did at the time, so any flaw that could be found was advertised very publicly.     

I was mocked for my innocence and my enjoyment of sweet things that 14 year old girls ought to find amusing.       

Thankfully, my mother always assured me that my innocence was a light, so it didn’t destroy me that I was different in those ways, and later those things about me became what my schoolmates appreciated about me.      

What shook me to my core was when girls at my school, even some who masqueraded themselves as friends, loudly expressed their opinions of my body.             

As a freshman, I was a little chubby; however, the words of these students constructed me to be as large as a cruise ship, in my now turbulent mind.         

It soon became the most prominent topic in my thoughts.        

My new favorite song was the sound of my stomach growling.         

I weighed myself everyday and cut calories drastically.         

Desperately trying to feel my bones, I checked my body several times an hour.        

If the scale numbers climbed, I walked through my day seeing myself as hideous and hid myself as much as possible.          

Those days I feared more than anything.         

I would look for excuses to find any mirror and believe me, if I gained a pound on the scale, I could visibly see 20 pounds more in my reflection.            

It overpowered any other thought in my head to the point where I even believed my assumptions about what people were thinking about my appearance.            

According to my mind, everyone could see how disgusting I looked and there was no way to avoid being seen.               

The moments of elation sparked just after the scale revealed any amount of decrease.                       

That was the most precious time for me but it was so fleeting!         

The accomplishment of seeing my victorious weight loss, however small, it lasted for about an hour or until I ate something.       

An agonizing cycle of extremely short lived reward, that was never enough.         

I lost a lot of weight and I only felt more insecure!         

Not because I didn’t look good, because everyone in school commented on my weight loss and told me I looked good.             

I would never have reached my body goals, because as time went on, my goals blurred and the evil in my thoughts created a goal that kept me in constant emptiness and defeat.            

My goal was never to look lean and feel confident, though that’s what I convinced myself of.           

It was to shut off those words saying I was fat!          

The words that pounded my mind, and got harsher with each passing day!               

My attention to my body’s details exacerbated my disorder, Though that was not the problem; it was my agreement with the lies in my mind that told me that I was not good enough.             

My thought process:       

There was something so offensively wrong with me and if I change the thing that myself and others already noticed imperfections in, perhaps I could prove those thoughts wrong!           

Since my appearance was never the problem, it could never be the solution.      

I didn’t realize this for a long time…              

This illness in my mind silently ate me alive, throughout the entirety of my high school years.         

I met Jesus during this period of time!            

Though the tender first years of my relationship with Him were sweet, there were a lot of things I would not let Him near…                 

My body image was safeguarded from the LORD and anyone else who could try and change my drive to fix the mistakes I kept finding in my appearance.           

I would continue surviving in this paralyzing and self-abusive mental battle, year after year.          

Every now and then the LORD tried touching that part of my life, but I quickly pushed Him away from that area.           

It wasn’t until 2018 that the LORD started really knocking on my heart concerning my body image.            

Six years into my faith journey, I had grown so used to my ways of seeing my appearance that I never thought I could see things differently and when I felt God’s word touch my disorder, it greatly enraged me.         

Something I will remember for the rest of my life is that I actually said this to God:        

“I never want to be healed and like myself because if I ever do, I will just get fat!”               

This was a prayer of mine to our Redeemer and Savior!             

At this point though, it was too late.             

Without my knowledge, the LORD already had my mental illness in His hands and He didn’t address my surface-level issue; He went right for the jugular and in one moment, my eyes were opened!                   

He led me to one passage of scripture that changed how I would view my body forever.              

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭139‬:‭1‬-‭18‬ ‭NKJV‬‬.           

I’ve read this passage many times by this point in my life, but on this day in 2018, these verses read me!          

The very verse that tore the veil from my eyes was Psalms‬ ‭139‬:‭16‬‬‬.            

“Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them.”               

Psalms‬ ‭139‬:‭16‬ ‭NKJV‬‬.            

For the first time, I realized that my body wasn’t crafted to be right or wrong in the eyes of man, it was crafted by my Gracious Creator to compliment something much more important.               

God’s eyes didn’t see my body’s appearance and put any weight on it.            

He put emphasis on my substance!             

The part of me that’s significant!             

He saw first what He was creating me for, before He formed me!          

The whole purpose of my existence and the impact I would make in my lifetime was what the LORD crafted first and only then He wrapped it in the vessel I would go through life in.               

An example came to my mind and I never forgot it.         

It’s like when smart phones were invented.               

The creator of the smartphone designed and built an advanced piece of technology that was capable of impacting the world and paving new paths that were not even fathomable prior to its conception.           

Only after the purpose was finalized was the covering designed.               

The outside is designed intentionally as well, but to focus more on the shell of a smartphone than the purposeful design inside would be unthinkable!          

Imagine buying an iPhone because it was your favorite color and shape; carrying it around but never turning it on and utilizing all of the groundbreaking features that the creator built into the device.                

When I saw myself like this, something flipped in my mind!               

I no longer saw my appearance as important as what God had first built in my very being!                 

My purpose, my capabilities, skills and talents!            

I saw that the impact that I could make in this world would have nothing to do with the shell that God gave me, it would come from what He crafted before I was even formed yet!           

The true substance of me was not my appearance!           

My body was beautiful because it complimented, supported and protected the true breathtaking work of art — my soul!                

A smartphone may diminish in appearance over time, but the intricately crafted substance inside remains marvelous!             

The vessel is more understandable on the outside yet the inside remains a mystery as to why it works with such purpose and intentionality.                

This is the same for our very being!                   

I now could see that there was something so mesmerizingly incredible about my soul.      

Something that could have a greater impact and reach so much farther than having a thinner waist ever could!          

I understood that my life has predesigned value and love was sewn into me before I ever had green in my eyes and freckles on my cheeks!          

He saw me.            

The LORD had innumerable precious thoughts about me before I developed in my mother’s womb.           

He knew me before my heart ever ticked and He lovingly made me, mindful of every wonderful thing He would do with my existence.            

His heart poured out into me as an artists heart bleeds onto his canvas!                 

Knowing this… I couldn’t even see how I could ever go back to seeing myself so shallowly again.              

That day, I took my jacket off and let my arms feel sunshine for the first time in several years.       

I hadn’t uncovered my arms because all the bones were not showing yet…    

Now, I knew of my immeasurable value and that the devil wanted me to see my body as hideous.          

I joyfully wore tee-shirts and stopped hiding in ginormous sweatpants!             

Freedom was now the anthem in my heart and the agony of being eaten alive by my own thoughts, turned into unparalleled gratitude for the opportunity God gave me to make an impact in this world!                     

Life was so much bigger than I had ever thought and now when I saw people, I didn’t see people thinking I was disgusting, I saw precious works of art that I had the ability to serve and love!              

It’s been 8 years since these chains broke in my life.          

The devil still tries to tempt me to consider lesser things to focus on, but by God’s grace and undying love, I’m still free from body dysmorphia and disordered eating!             

I could keep talking about this subject forever, but I do want to give you time to pray about this.           

Some may not be ready for this but for others, this is the moment when body dysmorphia and body image issues are challenged, as mine were.          

Jesus may be touching your disorder or addiction right now, and everything in you wants to push Him away.         

You’re comfortable in the dysfunction, as I was.            

Maybe this didn’t change a single thing, but I pray with all of my heart that in sharing my story, it helped at least one person experience the same freedom I did when God revealed the truth to me.                    

If you have any questions, prayer requests or just need support with the body image issues you are battling, please reach out on our social media DMs or email us at support@hungrystill.com.