Most of the time, we don’t even think we are people-pleasing.
We just want to be agreeable and kind.
We are trying to love people well so we try to de-escalate every situation.
The Bible says many times, that quarreling will do no good, only harm.
We also learn that peace with all people, is the goal!
“If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.”
Romans 12:18 NKJV.
So, it’s up to us to keep from arguments and live peaceably with those that we come in contact with.
This is
True!
Does this mean that we need to tell people what they want to hear and do things to make sure that they stay peaceful?
No!
The scripture said “if possible.”
This implies that there are some situations that cannot remain peaceful.
If maintaining peace is up to each individual, this means that peace has to be the goal of both you and each person that you come in contact with.
When the goal is not peace on both sides of the interaction, peace is seldom achieved.
This means that, even when we have disagreements, there is a possibility of peace still being maintained, if that is the real goal between the two who disagree.
Or,
You can disagree with someone about anything, but if you first agree that peace and understanding are more important, that agreement will bring peace.
(I should remember this when I disagree with people.)
Peace and love should be the goal in every encounter we meet!
This is not people-pleasing!
What is people-pleasing?
When we make our goal to keep the other person at peace, out of fear that their reaction will negatively affect our lives.
This is our way of trying to avoid negative repercussions.
Some examples would be:
We fear that if we do not say yes every time our friends ask us to hang out, they will think that we don’t have time for them and they won’t be our friends anymore.
In a room full of nonbelievers or a classroom full of students who are “too cool for church,”
Christians fear that speaking about what we truly believe will cause a big scene and leave us singled out, so we just keep quiet and avoid sharing that part of our lives.
Sometimes, our spouse can get really mad when we disagree with them and they ignore us until we do what they originally wanted or until we validate their opinions by claiming that we agree with them.
Can you relate to any of these examples?
I know that I can.
People-pleasing is our response, when we fear the reactions of other people.
Our goal is not a peaceable disagreement with others;
our goal is maintaining our own personal peace.
We don’t want to deal with the repercussions of disagreeing with someone, so we just keep the peace by doing things their way.
Don’t get me wrong, I believe their are times to compromise and do things in a different way, so you can work as a team with others.
I also truly believe that we should be peace-makers!
Here is where we get it wrong!
If in our hearts, we are not aiming to have an equal and true relationship with someone, but just trying to keep them from making our lives less peaceful, we have a selfish motive in the relationship…
That’s not being a peace-maker, that’s being a people-pleaser!
Giving people their way is a loving gesture and can improve any relationship, if the motive is to display love to this person.
If the motive is to just make them happy so they don’t leave you, treat you differently or argue with you, then you are people-pleasing.
There is a huge difference!
They can see when you’re not sincere and it won’t help your relationship with them get richer!
Meanwhile, you build no integrity or mental foundation, because you’re too afraid of disagreements, to actually stand for something.
It’s great to put others before yourself, but people-pleasing isn’t even putting others before yourself!
People-pleasing is actually a selfish act!
People-pleasing is trying to avoid uncomfortable situations with people, so your life remains peaceful.
A peace-maker desires to clear the distractions of hostile disagreements, so both parties can focus on important things, that will actually strengthen their relationship.
Sometimes being a peace-maker doesn’t mean comfort.
Being a peace-maker means, sometimes having the difficult conversations and setting boundaries for the sake of build the relationship.
A peace-maker addresses disagreement.
A people-pleaser avoids disagreements.
People-pleasers don’t improve any relationships that they are in, but peace-makers seek moving forward and deepening any relationship that they are in!
I have been a people-pleaser before and I can tell you that I never made one substantial relationship, while in that state.
I couldn’t make deep relationships or friendships with anyone because my main goal was not to have a deep and meaningful relationship or friendship.
My goal was to prevent people from disagreeing or disapproving of me, so they wouldn’t reject me, leave me or make me feel like I was wrong.
Though I thought I was protecting myself, all I was doing was keeping myself from truly loving people and developing real relationships with them.
I cared more about protecting myself than I did about those who I could actually impact positively, if I had decided to be in real fellowship with them.
It does more damage than good, because in the end, it’s the people-pleasers who are not truly known or seen.
They are the ones who feel lonely and unknown.
They could be adored by so many people, yet be known by no one, because they couldn’t be authentically themselves.
Furthermore, people-pleasers don’t just cause themselves damage, but they cause damage to those that they are trying to appease, as well.
When we avoid the difficult conversations to keep the other person from getting upset, it inadvertently encourages the person to continue doing what they are doing.
This is not always dangerous, but sometimes, letting someone else believe that you approve of their actions, makes them believe that it’s right… even if it’s wrong.
For example:
You know someone who downloads movies illegally. You don’t want to make them angry by telling them that you don’t agree with this, so you just keep quiet and let them believe that you agree with their behavior.
This is dangerous!
By you allowing this person to think that you approve of their behavior, makes the behavior seem “normal” and enables it to continue.
This is serious because, now stealing media from a producer and hurting their business, is a common behavior.
Because you did not want to offend the person or make them displeased with you, you just allowed injustice to seem reasonable.
This is dangerous even if you simply allow someone to think that calling names to people is acceptable.
Though you think that you are only keeping stress out of your own life, you are actually allowing harm to come to others.
We see an example of this in God’s word; in one of the most chilling portions of scripture…
Pilate was a Roman Prefect.
By his word, people were sentenced to death or freedom.
In this moment in history, Pilate was faced with a decision that bewildered him.
Jesus of Nazareth.
A preacher.
A healer.
A teacher.
A seemingly common man, yet He was special enough to drive the Jewish religious rulers crazy.
Pilate could see this!
He was as far from the Jewish faith as he could get and even he could see the green of the Pharisee’s envy, from a mile away.
He knew that Jesus did not truly deserve to die!
That’s why he chose Jesus to be one of the prisoners that would have a chance to be released.
He could’ve chosen any prisoner, and he chose Jesus and Barabbas.
Barabbas…
A murderer…
This should be a seemingly obvious win in Jesus’ corner!
Pilate could give the people Jesus or Barabbas…
Truth or lies…
Life-giving or life-taking…
Life or death…
That is what the choice comes down to even in our lives.
When we face people, and our next decision could either make them angry with us or pleased with us…
We have to remember that, what we choose to give them is not without impact.
What we choose to present to the crowd is a choice of life and death.
How we respond is crucial and just pleasing people could risk the well being of all who are affected.
We see this with Pilate.
Mark 15:12-15 NKJV:
“Pilate answered and said to them again, “What then do you want me to do with Him whom you call the King of the Jews?” So they cried out again, “Crucify Him!” Then Pilate said to them, “Why, what evil has He done?” But they cried out all the more, “Crucify Him!” So Pilate, wanting to gratify the crowd, released Barabbas to them; and he delivered Jesus, after he had scourged Him, to be crucified.”
Pilate didn’t even need to believe that Jesus was the Messiah to know that He didn’t deserve crucifixion.
He didn’t have to know Jesus well, to know that the crowd was better off with Him, than with someone like Barabbas.
Pilate sentenced Jesus, only to gratify the crowd!
The Savior was killed, while a convicted murderer was loose on the streets.
All to please the people.
The people who literally chose to let a murderer get off the hook.
The saddest part is that Pilate had the power to decide what he gives these people and he had the sense to know how dangerous it would be to let a murderer free.
The one with power, chose to give it to the crowd, out of fear that they would get angry with his decision.
So, the sheep led the shepherd.
Though this seems extreme, it is the same with us!
We have power.
We can make a difference.
Our personal decisions matter!
For example,
If the crowd is making fun of a fellow student in class, we can change the narrative!
We can’t control other people’s actions but we have the power to make our decisions…
We can be the one who is kind to the classmate and change his life.
He won’t feel like everyone hates him, he will see that someone cares about him.
Even if the crowd then rejects us because we accepted the kid that they were bullying, we choose to stand for what’s good and life-giving.
This is the kind of power we have.
We can choose to make a life-giving impact or make a destructive impact out of fear of displeasing people.
Remember something…
The crowd may have been the reason that Pilate sentenced Jesus, but Pilate’s name is the one on the historical record, as the executioner of Jesus… not the crowd.
We can’t blame others for decisions we make, even if we made them out of fear of displeasing them.
Just as a bully can’t justify his actions against another child, by saying that he did it because everyone else was doing it.
We each have a choice.
We can stand for what is good, even if it causes people to be displeased with us.
Or…
We can let what is bad continue, out of fear of the disagreeing crowd.
Pilate could’ve given the crowd something good, but he chose to deliver to them exactly what they wanted, because he feared their disapproval.
What they wanted was something that could kill them.
Pilate had an opportunity to deliver to these people
Jesus and life…
or,
the enemy and sin.
He chose to let them have what they wanted, even though it could destroy them, just so he would not have to deal with the stress of angering them.
Only to maintain a seemingly peaceful atmosphere so He could continue living without disruption from the noisy crowd, he gave them what they wanted.
He did not actually satisfy them…
He pacified them.
He did the people a disservice.
He put them and even himself, in danger.
Yes, even he could be impacted negatively by his decision.
God, of course wrote our story like this so that Jesus could be the atonement of our sins, so this was all purposeful.
But it reveals something so deep about our human nature.
It shows us, the dangers of people-pleasing.
Can God still restore anything that was seemingly lost?
Yes!
However, we don’t need to go through these particular hardships!
We can actually make a positive impact in the world, if we decide to STOP letting culture shape us, and start shaping culture, instead!
let’s not go one more day striving to please people, in order to maintain the illusion of peace!
Let’s instead, please people ultimately by serving them and loving them, even if it makes us uncomfortable.
Let’s keep on our minds, what is for their good, not just how do we keep our lives as conflict-free as possible.
Seeking what will build up and grow the people around you, will cultivate more true peace than telling people what they want to hear and giving them what they want.
“Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, leading to edification.”
Romans 15:2 NKJV.
“So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.”
Romans 14:19 ESV.
Scripture quotations are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. The ESV text may not be quoted in any publication made available to the public by a Creative Commons license. The ESV may not be translated into any other language.
Scripture taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Photo by Elijah O’Donnell
