Have you ever encountered a controlling person?
Are you a controlling person, yourself?
Most people would say that they have met controlling people, but they personally are not controlling.
The same person who says that they are not controlling, is the same person that others would say is controlling.
No, of course I am not talking about you!
All jokes aside…
This is a pretty serious issue.
A controlling person, negatively impacts everyone who is close enough to be affected by this person.
It is not always easy to spot controlling behavior when it starts, but it is best to address it as early as possible.
It is especially difficult to identify how we, ourselves, are being controlling.
It is most difficult to address controlling behavior, in a way that doesn’t permit the behavior but is still compassionate towards the person who is controlling.
We will be digesting all of this today; as we read through God’s word!
So, keep reading if you are interested in learning how to recognize a controlling person, and what to do if we are actually that controlling person.
We will be reading the story in Daniel 3, except we will not be viewing it from the perspective most people usually view it from…
We typically place ourselves in the role of one of the three Hebrew boys in this story, who refused to bow to a statue and stood for Yahweh, the Most High God!
This time I want us to view the perspective of King Nebuchadnezzar.
We just might see some things in this story, that we never saw before.
Go to Daniel 3:1-6 NKJV…
“Nebuchadnezzar the king made an image of gold, whose height was sixty cubits and its width six cubits. He set it up in the plain of Dura, in the province of Babylon. And King Nebuchadnezzar sent word to gather together the satraps, the administrators, the governors, the counselors, the treasurers, the judges, the magistrates, and all the officials of the provinces, to come to the dedication of the image which King Nebuchadnezzar had set up. So the satraps, the administrators, the governors, the counselors, the treasurers, the judges, the magistrates, and all the officials of the provinces gathered together for the dedication of the image that King Nebuchadnezzar had set up; and they stood before the image that Nebuchadnezzar had set up. Then a herald cried aloud: “To you it is commanded, O peoples, nations, and languages, that at the time you hear the sound of the horn, flute, harp, lyre, and psaltery, in symphony with all kinds of music, you shall fall down and worship the gold image that King Nebuchadnezzar has set up; and whoever does not fall down and worship shall be cast immediately into the midst of a burning fiery furnace.”
Nebuchadnezzar is the ruler of Babylon.
Babylon obeys him and naturally, he believes that he is right.
False gods and idols were prominent in 600bc Babylon, so the golden statue was made in the image of a false deity, that the king worshipped.
Nebuchadnezzar, by constructing a 90 foot tall idol and demanding that everyone bow to it, was basically doing something similar to what we do nowadays!
He was basically saying:
“It’s my way or the highway.”
“I believe this!
This is what I think is right. I choose to live my life this way and if everyone in my circle doesn’t support me 100%, they are against me and they will be removed from the picture.”
Nebuchadnezzar is doing this exact thing, only his circle is much larger than ours.
For us, our circle can look like our friend group, spouse, family, coworkers, employees or children.
Maybe not all of us have given extreme ultimatums, but along with more power, oftentimes comes a feeling of superiority and we certainly know that humans can be very attached to being right.
When you have control, it’s natural to want to exercise your control by getting those under your authority to be on the same page as you.
It’s good to want your team to have the same overall goal, but when you cannot feel content with yourself or your opinions and beliefs unless everyone in your group shares the same, that is when control can take an ugly turn.
For example, a football team wanting to win the big game, should be a shared goal.
However, if you are the coach and you kick good players off of your team because they don’t train exactly how you did when you were their age…
that is where your need for control has overpowered your judgement.
When you depend on the affirmation that people give you, you will do one of two things!
- Be pulled to and fro with the varying opinions or…
- You will segregate your opinions to a separate category that you have labeled “the right way” and you eliminate disagreement by simply keeping a great distance between you and a differing opinion.
We usually just remove that disagreeing person from our contact list and stop spending time with them.
We might even get angry and retaliate in a fervent attempt to change the opinion of the person who disagrees.
But remember, Nebuchadnezzar is a passionate and ruthless leader!
He has a lot of power and control in this land, so this reaction is only multiplied.
So, in verse 7, the terrified and manipulated group of people, who are under the authority of Nebuchadnezzar, do exactly as they are told, to avoid retaliation.
This was a large amount of officials who bowed.
The Bible doesn’t say how many of them actually believed in the false god, that the statue was made in the image of, and how many believed in idols, other false gods or even how many of them believed in the One True God, Yahweh.
Almost all of the people in this large crowd, obeyed this new command.
All except for three men.
“Therefore at that time certain Chaldeans came forward and accused the Jews. They spoke and said to King Nebuchadnezzar, “O king, live forever! You, O king, have made a decree that everyone who hears the sound of the horn, flute, harp, lyre, and psaltery, in symphony with all kinds of music, shall fall down and worship the gold image; and whoever does not fall down and worship shall be cast into the midst of a burning fiery furnace. There are certain Jews whom you have set over the affairs of the province of Babylon: Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego; these men, O king, have not paid due regard to you. They do not serve your gods or worship the gold image which you have set up.””
So, these three Hebrew men don’t do things exactly the way that Nebuchadnezzar plan.
The king worships a false god and wants everyone to agree, in order for him to confirm, in his own mind, that he is right; but three men dare to disagree.
I find it funny that Nebuchadnezzar let the three people who disagreed with his opinion, overpower the large amount of people in the crowd who did agree.
These three people could not overpower his law nor have they fought to get everyone to rebel against Nebuchadnezzar.
The king just made the opposition so much more prominent in his mind, than the supporters.
We do this too.
If people don’t agree with our method of parenting, the political opinions we have, the views we have in regards to education, spiritual activities or rituals, etc… we shimmy our way out of future interactions with them.
We may not threaten to exterminate them, but we mentally do just that!
It’s called…
“Cancel Culture.”
You eliminate the opposition by removing them from your life.
It sounds normal and most people will tell you that it’s smart to cancel the “haters.”
It’s not as casual as the world makes it out to be.
It’s exactly what Nebuchadnezzar is doing, only he has more people under his authority, of whom he can control.
Most of us have very little authority in comparison to the king of Babylon, so our elimination is more subtle.
The kind of heart that can cancel a person is the same kind of heart that can justify destroying three men who don’t worship the same.
Don’t believe me?
Keep reading the story!
(Daniel 3:13-15 NKJV.)
“Then Nebuchadnezzar, in rage and fury, gave the command to bring Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego. So they brought these men before the king. Nebuchadnezzar spoke, saying to them, “Is it true, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego, that you do not serve my gods or worship the gold image which I have set up? Now if you are ready at the time you hear the sound of the horn, flute, harp, lyre, and psaltery, in symphony with all kinds of music, and you fall down and worship the image which I have made, good! But if you do not worship, you shall be cast immediately into the midst of a burning fiery furnace. And who is the god who will deliver you from my hands?””
Nebuchadnezzar was ticked off!
Look at this!!! (Verse 15.)
He gives them one more chance to change their answer.
Nebuchadnezzar isn’t blood thirsty!
He is affirmation hungry!
If he just wanted to kill off those who were opposing him, he wouldn’t have offered another chance.
He offered another chance because he was desperate for them to say…
“You’re right! We agree!”
That is all that Nebuchadnezzar is fighting for!
That is all that we fight for!
We don’t enjoy deleting contacts, unfollowing people and explaining why we won’t hang out with certain people anymore!
We just want them to affirm us!
We just want our squad to make us feel like we are making the right choices and doing the right things!
When anyone opposes, we acknowledge that there is a chance that we might be doing things wrong and that mental storm is too difficult to face.
It’s way easier to just cancel the person!
We offer chances for people to change and make us feel like we are doing things right.
We want them to change, yet it’s the very fear of facing how we ourselves need to change, that cause us to reject people.
Y’all it’s real!
We get upset when the story doesn’t play how we want and we get mad when people don’t play their roles the way that we wrote in the script in our minds.
Nebuchadnezzar said
“who is the god who will deliver you from my hands?”
We would say something like:
“you ain’t gonna find another like me!”
“Who are you going to run to now?”
“I was the only one who would tolerate someone like you, but I’m done now! Good luck finding someone dumb enough to be your friend.”
The king was hoping that the men would see that it was truly either the king’s way… or a dead end.
Sadly, we want people to know the same thing!
Now that they messed up with us, it’s over for them!
They are at the bottom of every list after they showed you that they aren’t your ride or die.
Keep going!
Look at how the Hebrew boys respond in Daniel 3:16-18 NKJV!
“Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego answered and said to the king, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we have no need to answer you in this matter. If that is the case, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us from your hand, O king. But if not, let it be known to you, O king, that we do not serve your gods, nor will we worship the gold image which you have set up.””
They are respectful and confident that they made the right choice in disagreeing with the king.
They don’t run or fight.
They just say in effect,
“I understand that you believe what you believe, but we disagree and if that means that you will throw us in a furnace, we believe that God can save us. However, even if He doesn’t save us from this fire, we believe that He is the Most High God and He will rescue us from the eternal fire… so we choose to agree with God.”
Have you ever been fighting to be right and the person that you want to agree with you is not fighting back… but they are respectful, calm and unmoved from their opinion?
Oh goodness!
That just further makes us feel that we are wrong, and we struggle facing that feeling!
It makes you even more mad!
Mad enough to cancel them!
This is what happened in Daniel 3:19-21 NKJV…
“Then Nebuchadnezzar was full of fury, and the expression on his face changed toward Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego. He spoke and commanded that they heat the furnace seven times more than it was usually heated. And he commanded certain mighty men of valor who were in his army to bind Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego, and cast them into the burning fiery furnace. Then these men were bound in their coats, their trousers, their turbans, and their other garments, and were cast into the midst of the burning fiery furnace.”
he was so enraged that they would still disagree even after he gave them a chance to change their allegiance!
He originally was going to send them into a furnace, but now he had his servants make the furnace seven time more hot than it was before!
His retaliation was bad before, but it will be way worse now that they refused to agree with him.
When I was in school, I didn’t always do the right thing… however, I do remember trying to do the right thing in many areas.
There was a moment when all of my friends wanted to spend time doing things that were not appropriate or even permitted on school property.
I recognized that the situation was strange, so I left the situation.
Afterwards, a rumor spread, that I had reported the strange activity to the school.
I had no idea what the students were actually doing; I just knew it wasn’t right.
I didn’t run and tell anyone at school about that situation.
Yet, because I did choose to walk away, I was targeted.
Those who participated didn’t like the fact that I chose not to.
It only confirmed further that they were wrong.
Every other kid was there doing the wrong act.
They all agreed with each other, yet it wasn’t enough to make them feel right about what they were doing, because one person disagreed.
That rumor triggered a series of troubling threats and bullying.
Because I chose to eat lunch alone and I continued to keep away from the wrong activities, I faced more tormenting and bullying; mostly from the friends I used to have, prior to that rumor.
The repercussions got worse before they faded away, but I didn’t choose to start doing the wrong things, that the other kids were doing.
I stood for what I believed was right and that really angered those who were desperate to not feel wrong about what they were doing.
I have been in Nebuchadnezzar’s place too.
I’ve been wrong and desperate to feel right.
There have been moments when I was so angry that someone did not agree with me; because it only opens the door to me possibly being wrong.
I’ve wanted people to affirm my opinions by agreeing with me.
Now, I fight to respond differently.
I realized that fighting to feel right about my opinions and desperately seeking affirmation from others, doesn’t actually make me right.
It does more damage than good!
Look at Daniel 3:22 NKJV:
“Therefore, because the king’s command was urgent, and the furnace exceedingly hot, the flame of the fire killed those men who took up Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego.”
He was desperate to cancel this opposition and he rushed to eliminate those who made him feel wrong.
He acted so impulsively that the severely hot inferno, killed the men who took the three men to the furnace.
When we impulsively act out in our anger and desperation to be right, we leave those closest to us vulnerable to experience the retaliation as well.
Those who stood on your side and agreed with you, now face your fiery rage, because they are standing too close.
Nebuchadnezzar lost men who agreed with him, just to get rid of men who disagreed with him.
Why destroy everyone close to you for the sake of being right?
Is it worth it?
We know how this story ends for the three Hebrew men…
The men face the fire and God preserves them.
They not only survive the fiery repercussions, deriving from disagreeing with the king, but they come out of the fire, not even smelling like smoke.
Nebuchadnezzar seen something that he did not expect.
If the men died, he could move on and feel right, because all opposing opinions were gone.
The men didn’t burn up though…
He couldn’t get rid of them…
In fact, them standing for what was right, proved to actually be right.
He could fight if there was a chance that he was right… but when there was no chance that he was right, he was overwhelmed with the fear that his opinion can cost him his life.
He saw that his burning anger had no power over these men…
They were right!
God was able to deliver them from the fire!
Nebuchadnezzar saw enough evidence to acknowledge that he was wrong.
When Nebuchadnezzar changes his mind he starts to defend the actual truth.
Those who opposed him and didn’t bow when things got hot, they actually helped him more than the king realized in the moment.
He got so enraged that people didn’t support him in his truth, but in the end, he learned the truth.
He had to be wrong in order to learn the truth.
He had to let go of “his way,” in order to find the true way!
This is something that we miss, because of our determination to keep our opinions.
We don’t want to give up the comfort of our opinions.
Naturally, we want to just believe that how we have been doing things, is the right way.
The truth is…
We are all wrong about something.
We need to realize that the only way to stop trying to control everything, is to acknowledge that we may not always be right about everything!
It’s imperative to acknowledge that we are learning something new everyday and the very nature of learning is admitting that your previous thoughts towards something were wrong and this new information is right.
It’s not easy to admit that we are wrong, especially when we have lived by that information for a long time.
Nevertheless, we will benefit from learning the truth.
We can only step towards the truth when we let go of control.
Wouldn’t you rather that the truth change your life, instead of living to support a comfortable lie?
Spending our lives trying to control situations or letting others control our decisions, will only cause damage to the relationship and it will keep us from the truth…
We can not control every outcome.
It’s destructive to try and manipulate everyone and everything, just to keep yourself comfortable.
Whether it is you trying to play god in your life, or someone else trying to keep you in line…
It will always lead to destruction.
We were not meant to play god.
We were created to trust God…
Because, ultimately, it is God who is in control!
“For the Lord of hosts has purposed,
And who will annul it?
His hand is stretched out,
And who will turn it back?”
Isaiah 14:27 NKJV.
So, is there a Nebuchadnezzar in your life?
Someone who is trying to get you to do things their way, and when you don’t do everything they want, they react in a way that makes you afraid to stand firm in what you know is right?
Maybe you have become a little bit like Nebuchadnezzar, yourself…
You remove people from your life when they don’t do things according to what you think is right or harshly criticize their opinion, in order for them to realize how stupid they were for disagreeing with your opinion.
Control tears relationships apart and keeps us distracted from loving one another.
Remember: we can’t make people into everything that we want them to be and we, ourselves, will never please everyone.
So let’s stand on the foundation of God’s word and walk this journey with our eyes fixed on Jesus.
Let God handle the rest.
We cannot control anything but ourselves…
So, let’s trust the One who is always in control!
“The Lord is my helper;
I will not fear.
What can man do to me?”
Hebrews 13:6 NKJV.
Photo by Kei Scampa
Scripture taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
